ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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