the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
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Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.