I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This baby is an asshole
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go