Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
