I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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