I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
