I accidentally had phone sex last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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