I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
