She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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