I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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