mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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