I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
