I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
