I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
