He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
