i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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