Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
