Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
