what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
