Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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