I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
