I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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