I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
