Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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