Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
