I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
