I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
