I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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