She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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