Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have fence marks all over my body
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
