Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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