I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
