weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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