decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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