It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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