I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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