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My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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