Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
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All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?