on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
