I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
