If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
