Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
