I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
