Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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