just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
