You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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