the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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