I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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