if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
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