dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He did a backflip because drugs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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