my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
