So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
not ubering you a puppy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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