like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
