You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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