I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
