I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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