An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
